So, I'm sitting here in the half-light of the silent and empty staff lounge, at 6:30 AM, on my last day at Camp WeHaKee.  I dunno how much of my head I'm going to be able to put into words.

This has been the best summer of my life.  The Teresa who leaves this place today is not the same one who came to it two months ago.  I don't know why, but this place and this lifestyle has struck a chord with me.  It's been far from a perfect summer - things went wrong, I missed people back home and at school, not all the campers were angels, not all the staff were, either.  On the other hand, this has been a place for me to grow, more so than I have anywhere else.  I know this sounds cheesy, and I'm sorry.  I don't know how else to say it, so I'm grasping at cliches.  Forgive me.

My biggest fear is that I'll leave today and go back to my old vices and my old habits.  I'll stop getting exercise, I'll retreat into my shell, I'll become vain and anxious again.  I'll lose my tan (lol).

I will never forget this place.

Great.  Great great great.

I think I know better than my parents, and this is where it gets me.  Lesson #1: My parents know what they're talking about.  They are very wise and smart people who care about me, and I should really really listen to them.

J'ever think you understand something, got it wrapped up nice in a little box, and then suddenly something blows the box open, and you realize you're just a very little girl in a big, somewhat scary world that is suddenly and strikingly too grown-up and out-of-control.  Lesson #2: You are of very minor significance in this universe, Teresa Grace.  Oh, and you know nothing, and you're kind of a bitch.

Yupyup.

Well, this is my second chance.  I can change.  Swear to God I can.  And I will.  I will learn my lessons and eat my humble pie and be better person.  God help me.

"We have a fan base that wants to know what happened to Norrington and what Tia Dalma is really about, and what happened between Jack and Beckett years ago, how did he get the 'P' brand on his arm — all those things. Our story is written for those guys. The people who didn't like the first movie or bagged on the second one, we're not making the movie for those guys."   -director Gore Verbinski, on Pirates

Yay!

I want to go on an adventure.  Does no one go on adventures anymore?  Are adventures outdated?

I thought I had grown out of imagining, and then summer comes.  Summer opens up my childmind.  I dunno if it's the weather or the leisure, but something.

I need something to chase the cobwebs out of my brain.  I've realized that wanting something that isn't yours is selfish.  I don't want to be selfish.  I want him to be happy.

I'm wondering if this self-discovery kick is limited to youth.  I want to stay young.  I want to stay nineteen.  I'm nowhere near figuring out who I am.  Closer, maybe.  But closer like a limit, never quite there.  I want to know what it means to be me, me my hands my feet my heart my head.  Me without the trappings, naked and standing feet planted with my face against the wind.  I want to grow into this body and know what it can do.  I am blood and water and fire and ice.

I've got on itching on the tips of my fingers/ I've got a boiling in the back of my brain/ I've got a hunger burning inside/ Cannot be denied/ I've got a feeling that the Father who made us/ When he was kindling a pulse in my veins/ He left a tiny spark of that fire/ Smoldering inside

I might've got those wrong.  But I loved that song.